What Is Battering?

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.

Definitions: Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:

• Physical Battering - The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

• Sexual Abuse - Physical attack by the abuser if often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

• Psychological Battering - The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall) and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.

Why Do Women Stay?

All too often the question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is answered with the victim blaming attitude. Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many "women who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self image.

A woman's reasons for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work.

Although there is no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. A woman may not leave battering immediately because:

• She realistically fears that the batterer will become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts to leave.
• Her friends and family may not support her leaving.
• She knows the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances.
• There is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.
• She may not know about or have access to safety and support.

Barriers to Leaving a Violent Relationship
Reasons why women stay generally fall into three major categories

Lack of Resources
• Most women have at least one dependent child.
• Many women are not employed outside of the home.
• Many women have no property that is solely theirs.
• Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.
• Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets.
• A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.

Institutional Responses
• Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
• Despite restraining orders and criminal prosecution, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the assault.
• Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.

Traditional Ideology
• Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.
• Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no father at all.
• Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman.
• Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
• Many women rationalize their abuser's behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other factors.
• Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.
• The abuser rarely beats the woman all the time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the woman's dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man". If she believes that she should hold onto a "good man," this reinforces her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is basically good until something bad happens to him and he has to "let off steam."

National Domestic Violence Statistics

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women, more than muggings, stranger rape and car accidents combined.

• The United Way ranks domestic violence as the leading cause of birth defects.

• 5 million women are beaten by their husbands or boyfriends every year.

• A man beats his partner every 13 seconds.

• 1 out of every 2 women will be physically abused by their partner at least once.

• 4000 women and children are beaten to death every year.

• At least 25% of domestic violence victims are beaten while pregnant.

• 50% of all homeless women and children are fleeing domestic violence situations.

• 79% of spousal abuse is committed by men after the woman leaves.

• An intimate male partner murdered 42% of all female homicide victims.

• More than three million children witness acts of domestic violence every year.

• 95% of boys and 72% of girls witnessing domestic violence will carry abuse into their own relationships.

• 1 of out 3 high school relationships includes domestic violence or rape.

• On average, a woman is beaten 9 times before she placed the first call to police for help; only 7% of spousal assaults are reported to the police.

• 57% of women who are physically abused by their partners never tell anyone.

• 40% of assaults committed by a male partner on women begin during the first pregnancy; pregnant women are at twice the risk of battery.

Annual Cost of Intimate Partner
Violence Against Women (IPV)

If you think you don’t pay for domestic violence, read on…

Annually, IPV costs society $4.1 billion in medical and mental health expenses. These costs include emergency room and doctor’s office visits and short-term hospital stays as well as mental health counseling services. It costs society another $1.8 billion in lost productivity and present value of lifetime earnings for those murdered due to IPV.

“With an estimated economic cost of $5.8 billion, and the untold intangible costs, intimate partner violence against women is a substantial public health problem that must be addressed. Significant resources for research are needed to better understand the magnitude, causes and risk factors of IPV and to develop and disseminate effective primary prevention strategies. Until we reduce the incidence of IPV in the United States, we will not reduce the economic and social burden of this problem.”

Department of Health and Human Services: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, March 2003

Cycle of Domestic Violence
The Cycle of Domestic Violence shows how domestic violence
often becomes a pattern made up of three stages...

Tension-Building - criticism, yelling, swearing, using angry gestures, coercion, threats

Violence - physical and sexual attacks and threats

Seduction - apologies, blaming, promises to change, gifts

It also explains how three dynamics, love hope and fear, keep the
cycle in motion and make it hard to end a violent relationship...

Love…for your partner, the relationship has its good points, it's not all bad

Hope…that it will change, the relationship didn't begin like this

Fear…that the threats to kill you or your family will become reality

Making A Safety Plan
Suggestions from the Family Violence Prevention Fund

If you are in a violent relationship, one of the most important steps you can take is to make a safety plan both for home and the workplace. These plans contain simple but critical steps you can take to increase your safety while you deal with the violence you face in your personal life.

At work, you may want to:

• Save any threatening emails or voicemail messages. You can use these to take legal action in the future, if you choose to. If you already have a restraining order, the messages can serve as evidence in court that the order was violated.
• Park close to the entrance of your building, and talk with security, the police, or a manager if you fear an assault at work.
• Have your calls screened, transfer harassing calls to security, or remove your name and number from automated phone directories.
• Relocate your workspace to a more secure area.
• Obtain a restraining order and make sure that it is current and on hand at all times. Include the workplace on the order. A copy should be provided to the police, the employee's supervisor, Human Resources, the reception area, the Legal department and Security.
• Identify an emergency contact person should the employer be unable to contact you.
• Ask Security to escort you to and from your car or public transportation.
• Look into alternate hours or work locations.
• Review the safety of your childcare arrangements, whether it is on-site childcare at the company or off-site elsewhere. If you have a restraining order, it can usually be extended to the childcare center.

The Personal Safety Plan
In case you have to flee, have the following available:

• Important papers such as birth certificates, social security cards, insurance information, school and health records, welfare and immigration documents, and divorce or other court documents.
• Credit cards, bank account number, and ATM cards.
• Some money.
• An extra set of keys.
• Medications and prescriptions.
• Phone numbers and addresses for family, friends, doctors, lawyers, and community agencies.
• Clothing and comfort items for you and the children.

If you had the perpetrator evicted or are living alone, you may want to:

• Change locks on doors and windows.
• Install a better security system - window bars, locks, better lighting, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
• Teach the children to call the police or family and friends if they are snatched.
• Talk to schools and childcare providers about who has permission to pick up the children.
• Find a lawyer knowledgeable about family violence to explore custody, visitation and divorce provisions that protect you and your children.
• Obtain a restraining order.

If you are leaving your abuser, ask yourself the following questions:

• How and when can you most safely leave? Where will you go?
• Are you comfortable calling the police if you need them?
• Who can you trust to tell that you are leaving?
• What community and legal resources will help you feel safer? Write down their addresses and phone numbers, and keep them handy.
• Do you know the number of the local shelter?
• What custody and visitation provisions will keep you and your children safe?
• Is a restraining order a viable option?

If you are staying with your batterer, think about:

• What works best to keep you safe in an emergency?
• Who you can call in a crisis.
• If you would call the police if the violence starts again. Can you work out a signal with the children or the neighbors to call the police when you need help?
• If you need to flee temporarily, where would you go? Think through several places where you can go in a crisis. Write down the addresses and phone numbers, and keep them with you.
• If you need to flee your home, know the escape routes in advance.

Suggestions for Helping
If you realize or suspect that someone you know is a victim of
domestic violence, here are some ways you can offer support:

Listen
This is not nearly as easy as it might sound. Listening is an art and a skill. Be sure you hear what she sees as the problem. Rather than giving advice immediately, practice reflective listening…"It sounds like you …", or "I think you are saying…". This allows your friend an opportunity to explore her own feelings, rather than responding to (and often resisting) your well meaning advice.

Reach out
Abusers often attempt to isolate their victims. This can mean that a women has no real contacts outside her home…she has gradually lost contact with friends, family, co-workers, etc. Let her know you care, and that you are available to her. Don't be afraid to bring up the subject.

Validate her feelings and fears
Victims of domestic abuse often downplay the severity of abuse or fail to recognize abuse that does not cause a severe injury (especially verbal abuse or emotional abuse). They may repeatedly be told by the abuser that it is their behavior which causes the abuse. You can be helpful by validating that abuse is occurring, and that her feelings are legitimate and important. Be empathetic. Get at the feeling level…is she depressed, or is it frustration and anger?

Ask about her safety
If you are concerned about her safety, you might devise a way to know if she is safe…perhaps she will call you by a certain time, or you will call her if you don't hear from her. Suggest she develop an escape plan.

Ask about her children's safety
How will she protect her children from further abuse? Even if her children are not being physically abused, domestic violence always hurts the children. It is often when a women recognizes the danger her children are in that she is moved to get help for herself and for her children.

Don't be overactive
The natural tendency is to talk a lot and offer a good deal of help. Let her take the lead. Often she wants to talk the problem out. Give reassurance and reiterate her strengths. Don't call others (police, hospital, rescue squad, her parents, etc.) without her consent unless a suicidal or homicidal act is imminent, or unless you fear for your own safety or feel a moral obligation to report child abuse. You cannot help by trying to assume responsibility for her life or her problems.

Help her identify options
Identifying and exploring options can be a much more helpful activity than merely offering advice. Advice to a hysterical woman may cause her to take action without thinking through the consequences. Some options to explore are:
• Call a shelter or a crisis line and seek counseling services.
• Call the police and notify a neighbor of the situation - ask family to call police if a disturbance occurs.
• Seek a restraining order and consult with an attorney.

Some basic steps you can take to assist her :

• Approach her in an understanding, non-blaming way. Tell her that she is not alone, that there are many women like her in the same kind of situation, and that it takes strength to survive and trust someone enough to talk about battering.

• Acknowledge that is it scary and difficult to talk about domestic violence. Tell her she doesn't deserve to be threatened, hit or beaten. Nothing she can do or say makes the abuser's violence OK.

• Share information. Discuss the dynamics of violence and how abuse is based on power and control.

• Support her as a friend. Be a good listener. Encourage her to express her hurt and anger. Allow her to make her own decisions, even if it means she isn't ready to leave the abusive relationship.

• Ask if she has suffered physical harm. Go with her to the hospital to check for injuries. Help her report the assault to the police, if she chooses to do so.

• Provide information on help available to battered women and their children, including social services, emergency shelter, counseling services, and legal advice. To find this information, start with the Yellow Pages.

• Inform her about legal protection that is available in most states under abuse prevention laws. Go with her to district, probate, or superior court to get a protective order to prevent further harassment by the abuser. If you can't go, find someone who can.

• Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship. These are often called "safety plans." Never encourage someone to follow a safety plan that she believes will put her at further risk.